From Blurry to Focused

The school year has officially started and we have to begin remembering what it means to focus on homework and grades rather than summer jobs and suntans. Not only is this year the first year in which I’ve only had one class MWF, but it’s also the first year I’ve lived in an apartment! In appreciation of this great development, my photo is of the gorgeous bouquet my roommate’s mom gave us for our dining room table.

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[Click on the picture for better resolution]

Things in the background are usually brushed aside or blurred out, but I oftentimes realize that it’s those things in the background usually are the most interesting. I love the dark purple-y outline where the pink flower kisses the green and I love the way the pink fades as the petals reach out. I love the way the stem bends almost at a ninety degree angle because the flower wants to see what the wooden table looks like and I love the way it doesn’t seem to mind that the red and yellow flowers are in front, faces lifted up towards the camera. It is in the background that true stories are told, masks are removed and real life happens.

This year at school my goal, well, one of them, is to try and focus on the stuff in the background–hot showers, bare feet, quiet time, a good nights sleep, stuff that I would usually brush off as not-super-important-or-interesting. I want my life to be genuine and real, even if that means I get to be all blurry in someone else’s background.

What are some of your goals for this upcoming year? Have you ever noticed anything particularly interesting in the background? Let me know what you think in the comments and happy Monday!

Ice Cream and Exes

What do you do when you’re  lonely  and yet you still know that you are right where you’re supposed to be?

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and it’s weird. I did the breaking part, but we dated on and off for over 2 years and not having him in my life is not like what I expected. Yeah, it was great at first, but I don’t think I realized how non-practical emotions can be. Maybe I just miss the idea of him.

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Most of what I’m thinking is, “get over it and move on with your life”. But that’s just it. This is my life. Right now, these are the things I’m dealing with. So instead of pushing the feelings away or doing something else that’s dumb, I acknowledged how I felt. I reveled in it. And it wasn’t so bad. It kind of felt like a relief, like I had been waiting for myself to realize that this was how I felt and now I could continue the healing part.

That’s what you got when you stood over your [feelings], facing them finally. A sense of its depths, its area, the distance across, and the way over or around it, whichever you chose in the end.

-The Truth About Forever

I’ve always been bad at feelings. I am the master at putting on a face and making people believe I’m okay. But I don’t want to live like that anymore, and I don’t think you should live like that either. With time, holes do get smaller–like when you get your ear pierced and then let the hole grow back. Not to say that boys are earrings, but you get my point. Time is a healer, but if you don’t face your feelings there will always be a scab, that one thing that blocks the hole from fully closing. Never be afraid to talk to a close friend or family or a therapist, because facing the messy stuff is a key step in overcoming it. And this applies to everything, not just my boy problems! If you need someone to talk to I am always available to chat, via twitter or tumblr, no matter how small or big your problem is.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

 -Albus Dumbledore 

And not gonna lie, after I sat there and just felt, I went to the fridge and ate a bowl of ice cream. A girls gotta cope somehow! And I also bought a fish. He’s adorable. But seriously, after you get your feelings out there, DO SOMETHING about it. Go hang out with your friends, go to the gym, the pool, to work, write in a journal, go on a walk, do a craft, because this is your life and do you really want to spend all of it trapped inside your head? You are a fabulous, sexy human being who isn’t held captive by negative emotions–we can do this.

Carefree

What does it mean to be carefree? I have less than a week left of summer before going back to school and I’m trying to cling to every carefree moment I have left. Last summer I took a beach trip with some of my girlfriends and it was one of my favorite vacations; we did everything, swimming in the ocean, board walk, that random fair that was happening, staying up late, watching rom coms, it was so fun! I highly recommend going on a trip like that, add it to your bucket list, go go go!!

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Sometimes it’s hard to remember what it feels like to be carefree. Especially since we’re adults (or trying to be) and life just seems like it’s throwing bricks at us, assuming we can catch them. But it never works like that and I usually end up dropping the brick on my toe like the klutz I am and then I’ve got a broken toe and no brick. Looking back through pictures really does help jog my memory, though…I wish we could just step back into old pictures and relive the memories. TIME TRAVEL FOR THE WIN!
But at the same time, it’s good to make new memories and have new carefree moments–as life continues, so does time. I don’t know, I was trying to be deep there.

What is your favorite carefree moment? Why was it so great? Let me know in the comments or twitter.

At the End of the Day

[UPDATE 12/05/2013: This poem was published in the University of Mary Washington’s literary magazine, Aubade!]

At the End of the Day 

The sky was on fire with dying stars

and she had shimmied her way

to insanity

looking up at the sky her neck

was crooked and sore

but she didn’t want to

tear her gaze from their light

and she giggled as she realized

it was like looking at the gas rising

from long dead bodies

at the morgue

where they kept

her mom

but not anymore

she was a star

rising into the dusk-ridden

sky at the end of the day

when there was nothing left to do

but float off into oblivion

with the rest of the bodies

of stars that made up the Milky Way

in a flash of silver and red

and a bang.

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/everything-changes/

A Pinch of Me

Cooking is a great way to make friends, who doesn’t love getting brownies from their new neighbors? I’ve put together a ” recipe for all the bits and pieces and quirks and foibles and loves that make me me.” I want to get to know all my readers so feel free to leave your own recipe in the comments or hit me up on twitter or tumblr!

Entrée :

1 part fangirl screams

2 dashes introversion

a sprinkle of romance

10 bananagram tiles

3 part warrior spirit

½ a handful humor (dark)

4 library books

a stubborn streak

5 cups of nutella

 

Garnish:

1 tattoo

4 piercings

Hair that can’t be tamed

 

Instructions:

Whisk ingredients in large bowl until fluffy, separate into 1 tablespoon sized balls and cook at 350 degrees until golden brown. Serve with ice cream.

 

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Stars

Here you are, down on your knees again,
your hands clutching at green stems
that are crushed
too easily between your fingertips,
their hollow screams
of yesterdays dreams and empty fields
fall as whispers on the August wind
that winds its hands through your hair.
Looking up, the white stag’s mouth is ripe
with berries,
a heart between gnashing teeth,
dripping red and swollen in the sun
and you swear he smiles a wolfish grin
before bounding into the underbrush,
into the silence.
And when you scream the forest doesn’t care,
you’re just another dying thing on the ground,
panting in the heat, longing for salvation;
but you never get it.
No, you stay on your knees,
day after day,
touching stems that always break,
too focused on their screams
to feel the wind’s hands clutching at your hair,
pulling chunks out by the root,
trying to get you to look at the stars,
because it’s not daytime anymore,
and all that’s left is the earth between your fingertips.
[NOTE: All of the poetry I post has yet to be peer-edited, so I would LOVE any suggestions or ideas in the comments, but remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.]
 

Classic First Blog Post

Hey there! Just testing out the waters of my new blog–I like to think it’s cool on my toes, not too warm, and there’s a tire swing on the left bank with some dorky friends laying out in the sun. Obviously it’s summer break and we’ve got a while before real life starts up again. But then again, maybe we’ve only got two weeks. 

In any event, I plan on using this space to spin out some poetry, perhaps mix in some self-reflection, and possibly type out those drunk texts so I don’t actually send them because we all know that’s dumb.  

So stay if you like, pull up a wicker chair, throw on a comfy sweater and I’ll make you a warm beverage.