I Don’t Want to Find Myself

I never change, I become myself. -Joyce Carol Oates

This six word quote sums up my foreseeable future. College is all about “finding yourself”, blah, blah, blah, I know, I know. Image But I don’t want to find myself, I want to become myself…do you see the difference? The first infers that you have a self currently, but you want to find a new one. I like who I am at the moment and I don’t want to find a new self that is apparently my real self? The latter describes a process that you probably won’t know is taking place, like growing into that bra you bought in a moment of overconfidence with your friends. Personally, I like the idea of becoming yourself, it takes a lot of the pressure off. I’m never going to wake up one day, look and the mirror and be like, “Oh! There you are!”. Life is not a chick flick, no matter how much we try to make it or imagine it to be like one. every-chick-flick I’m not the same person I was freshman year, but I haven’t found myself, I’ve just become more of myself. And I plan on continuing to grow–I have small boobs, trust me, I have lots of time. I have no idea what my future will look like (okay, well, I plan on graduating college, but after that all bets are off), but I do know that change will be a constant. I plan on taking one day at a time and one day when I look back in 20 years I’ll laugh and shake my head at all the things I got wrong. But in 20 years I will not be the same, I will just be more myself. And that sounds like a great plan to me. What do you think about “finding yourself”? Are you more about the process or the destination? Looking back at your younger self, what is one thing you’d tell them about your future self? Leave your answers in the comments and have a great week!

Ice Cream and Exes

What do you do when you’re  lonely  and yet you still know that you are right where you’re supposed to be?

I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago and it’s weird. I did the breaking part, but we dated on and off for over 2 years and not having him in my life is not like what I expected. Yeah, it was great at first, but I don’t think I realized how non-practical emotions can be. Maybe I just miss the idea of him.


Most of what I’m thinking is, “get over it and move on with your life”. But that’s just it. This is my life. Right now, these are the things I’m dealing with. So instead of pushing the feelings away or doing something else that’s dumb, I acknowledged how I felt. I reveled in it. And it wasn’t so bad. It kind of felt like a relief, like I had been waiting for myself to realize that this was how I felt and now I could continue the healing part.

That’s what you got when you stood over your [feelings], facing them finally. A sense of its depths, its area, the distance across, and the way over or around it, whichever you chose in the end.

-The Truth About Forever

I’ve always been bad at feelings. I am the master at putting on a face and making people believe I’m okay. But I don’t want to live like that anymore, and I don’t think you should live like that either. With time, holes do get smaller–like when you get your ear pierced and then let the hole grow back. Not to say that boys are earrings, but you get my point. Time is a healer, but if you don’t face your feelings there will always be a scab, that one thing that blocks the hole from fully closing. Never be afraid to talk to a close friend or family or a therapist, because facing the messy stuff is a key step in overcoming it. And this applies to everything, not just my boy problems! If you need someone to talk to I am always available to chat, via twitter or tumblr, no matter how small or big your problem is.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

 -Albus Dumbledore 

And not gonna lie, after I sat there and just felt, I went to the fridge and ate a bowl of ice cream. A girls gotta cope somehow! And I also bought a fish. He’s adorable. But seriously, after you get your feelings out there, DO SOMETHING about it. Go hang out with your friends, go to the gym, the pool, to work, write in a journal, go on a walk, do a craft, because this is your life and do you really want to spend all of it trapped inside your head? You are a fabulous, sexy human being who isn’t held captive by negative emotions–we can do this.